The Red

They say freak
When you're singled out
The red, well it filters through.
- The Red, Chevelle

My therapist and my spiritual director both hit the same sweet emotional spot. One called it my inner child, the other called it childhood. Both hit it right on the head. I've been thinking lately, well... more than just lately, though clearer lately, about how it used to feel as a kid. Before the drama, before the heartbreak... when one is so sure of themselves they thinking nothing of what they say. And most of the time, before being infected with negativity, words are sweet and honest. Doubting oneself comes a short time later. And with that doubt, other flaws. Sure, as a kid you could be kind of selfish but mostly it was just about taking care of your needs. And many times your needs simply consisted of being happy, which makes other people happy.

My new goal is to get back there. Ok, I'm back to therapy every other week. Actually, pending a call back from the therapist, for the next two weeks it might be weekly. I am sick of beating myself up, of being too hard on myself, and of not being honest enough with myself to admit that others are adults too and treating me badly isn't always exactly simply excusable. Somewhere along the way I got the idea that I should just be hard on me and merciful to everyone else. But, I went beyond merciful and it became doormat.

And that doormat is just about worn through. It's time for me to face the stuff I've kept my mouth shut about and let out that wellspring of hurt and anger out. For goodness sake, I have not been able to say "no" when necessary and I'll drink my stomach lining raw before realizing I have to do something. Because it's actually making me less of the person I want to be. It's making me an emotional imbecile who can't figure out her anger from her happiness. They're starting to blur together into a collage of walled up, pent up rage. The red could take over, if I let it. And I could simply stay hauled up behind this wall for good.

But I refuse to be bitter. So... I'll work it through.