70%

So, I've been struggling lately. And luckily the blue eyed cutie is either good at listening or good at ignoring me. Either way, I've been biting his ear off with my frustrations. (And the truth is, he's not ignoring me... because he says stuff back.)

I love people. I care about people. I definitely don't want people to hurt. And I certainly don't want to hurt them. However, lately... I've been frustrated with people. A few people. Things are changing for me or have changed for me and in some strange way my eyes have been opened. A few folks have disappointed me and other folks I'd like to be able to develop stronger friendships with. Part of the problem is lack of time. Actually, that IS the problem.

I run the Meetup and I'm not enjoying it anymore. I enjoy the concept of it, I enjoy the meeting people, I enjoy when friends come out and hang. I do like it... but I'm slightly tired of it. Has it run it's course? Is that the problem?
No... not so much... but maybe. I know I'm keeping it up for the next six months and I know how I like to run it so I'm not prepared to give up control of it. But, I don't enjoy several of the people's company... and when I say don't enjoy, I mean I would rather they just simply not come out. But... they will. That's just the way it is. That's the way it's been since the beginning. And I accept that. However, our time here is limited. Especially mine, when I've got second shift to deal with too terribly often.

So... I'm frustrated. I have to find a job that allows me more freedom to move at my own pace, in my own way. I have to figure out how to handle just not allowing my own generalized dislike for a few folks to get to me too much because I feel horribly guilty for not liking them. And this leaks into some of my other relationships because I'm really, really good at misdirecting my anger. The only other problem I have... it's simple. What about when you start seeing things clearly, you start seeing through people you do care about? You start suspecting that something's not on the up and up after all. And suddenly there's mistrust. Can one ever come back from that? Or can you learn to love and like them while not being able to pierce through and figure out what's missing or what's exactly wrong. Their lack of being "fully present" in some way. Do you just walk away from these folks? Do you talk to them about it? Or do you just let life drift in the way it normally does?

Ugh... I need to just not care. That's all.