Ruined the Surprise

On occasion I have tendencies, as I am well aware and so are others to want to control things. I am not a constant control freak nor am I unable to relax about stuff. I don't have the desire to control others, just the circumstances in which they sometimes find themselves.

Namely... parties and outings. If it's not my party, I don't care and I don't cry. If it is my party, I still don't cry. However, biff made it quite clear to me last night that I am not, will not, and cannot be involved in the planning of my 30th birthday BBQ.

I reluctantly agreed to stay out of it. Not asking about it is going to be tough and chances are, from the way it's looking, I'm not even going to be able to look at the evite. I have completely mixed feelings about this fact and I can't believe the internal switch that's turned on. I want... to... control... at least some aspect of it.

Biff, sister-in-friend, and mom are the three people whom I have entrusted on making this thing happen. All of them are more than capable and as far as I know, willing. I know it'll be fine. I know it'll be fun. I know I should just be able to relax. I am curious to find out how I do in the long run. I'm curious if I do just avoid all questions or if I won't be able to help myself.

I need to help myself, though. If I hadn't opened up my own mouth about planning a BBQ, I would have had a surprise party by biff or even, possibly, by my mom. But, I took control too early. Honestly, the only reason I even took control at all was because of fear. Fear that nothing would happen and I'd be disappointed for my birthday. I didn't want this to happen again. I spent several years where my birthday was a waste, nothing of note, I just didn't want that to happen again. I guess my past sometimes does still combine with what's current. I guess it's time for me to trust some of the people I love enough to take my hands off the wheel.