Candidate More Suited

So, here it is. I went for the interview, hoped pretty hard, realized it wasn't what I wanted and now I got the news that I'm not getting it anyway. Of course, there is still a sense of disappointment lingering. It was going to be the easier road. It looked, to me, like a job I could do with quite a bump in pay. Then I could go back to school at night and all would be fine.

After thinking about this, getting worked up about it, it snapped inside of me. Something did. Whether I was going to get it or not... was this what I really wanted? The honest answer is "no". Not that an easy road once in a while wouldn't be nice. It would be. It'd be awesome to experience just once in a while. But, would the easier road make me happy in the long run? Sure, it would provide me with an almost immediate sense of security, sense of clarity but would it provide me happiness? Do I want to devote my professional life to a job I never really wanted in the first place?

No. Why would anybody? Not that other people don't settle for less than what they want. Not that there aren't people in my company who are very happy with what they have, there are. For some people, this is what their lives are for. Some people have a passion for this kind of thing. But, the truth is... I don't. Never have, never will. Doesn't mean I don't believe in doing a good job while I'm here but I know, for certain, that I don't want to invest my heart in this anymore than is absolutely necessary.

My heart is with my writing. Which I only recently decided to get serious about. This blog is one form though it's not the bigger picture by any means, it's just one form of me spending at least these few minutes a day, exploring.

When I received word that "another candidate was more suited" for the position, I felt a sense of loss, mild, tiny loss. The loss of the other road in the woods, the one traveled heavily by many folks through the years. I could still try to go down it or I could get honest with myself and with others and devote myself to this road, the one I've been tripping down for long enough. The one that's covered over in spots because no one's been down it in years, if ever. I guess part of me has simply lost sight of the other road, it's no longer an option. I could run through the woods wildly searching for it, trying to make it my own but that would just be useless, it would never be mine, which is really, truly, perfectly ok.

And kind of wonderful when I really think about it. You get one life to live, don't waste your journey on less than what you want.