The Best Revenge

Living well is the best revenge.
-George Herbert

I sat with my ring toss partner last night, chatting, eating pizza and drinking a few beers. We have not stopped talking since we met. God forbid anyone else be in the room, they probably wouldn't get a word in edgewise. We're not rude, exactly, we just both have tons to say, every time we get together, it seems. Of course, when we do get together it is only us in the room so I guess there's no worries there.

She told stories, I told stories, troubles, funnies, and everything in between. We sat there, talking it up and eventually - about something unrelated to the guy's rushing out of my apartment or even unrelated to therapy, she said something about someone that ended with "don't give them the reaction, that satisfaction". She wasn't speaking about either of these other events in my life but she spoke to me loud and clear.

My therapist and I started exploring why my reactions are so mild, even in anger. Mostly in anger. My other reactions aren't so mild. Laughing, joy, excitement, I don't hide these one bit. When I get angry, however, I tend to not only react mildly but I tend to barely react on the outside at all. Not to say I'm not boiling on the inside. Could it lead to a pressure blow-up? I suppose. It has once in recent times but that was a strange set of circumstances. One not even really, truly concerning me directly. That was a matter of me feeling protective of a friend.

When it comes to me, when it comes to something done wrong directly to me I don't usually react. I can remember finally exploding after years of not exploding on my ex. Boy was down on the ground, covering his head because I was screaming at him. What had happened was horrible and it was in a long line of things that I had just buried in order to keep peace. Which was a mistake all the way around.

Now, though, it's not quite like that. It's not that I'm not reacting or that I'm just ignoring or that I'm burying. Now, it's a matter of me keeping my cool even when others wouldn't. It's me saying a couple words to make it clear that this, whatever THIS may be, is not ok. It's not about a few choice words when they walk out but rather a rolling of the eyes and a rolling over to get some sleep. Does no one any good for me to lose sleep over someone else's jackassness. The only one I'm punishing there is myself. This does not mean they can walk all over me again and it does not mean that I am already forgiving. It just means that they don't deserve the time or effort that a show of anger would give. It also doesn't mean I'm not sickened or angry. It doesn't mean that at all.

What it means to me now is I've got fuel to burn with my writing. I've got a life to live, not a life to be angry about.