Heart On My Short Sleeve

Oops. And ugh.

I had a little, or lot, more beer than I should have last night. Led me down the road of not doing anything I actually wanted to get done this morning. Not hungover, exactly... just went to bed too late. Debated a bit much, annoying myself and hopefully no one else. I complained about a few specifics and wish I hadn't. I just wish certain folks didn't affect me the way they do. And I wish I could genuinely just let things roll off my back, in one ear and out the other.

But, I'm still stuck in a couple cycles, not so happy with that fact. I feel really let down by several folks and rejected by others. And rejection always hurts. Some of it is growing apart, some of it's not. Some of it is just because I am who I am and they don't want that. But, that's ok, ultimately. That's just simply a part of life.

So... self esteem suffers and I find myself not digging myself too terribly much. And then when I don't get up and get stuff done, I'm disappointed with myself and can begin to see why people might not respond to me the way I would like them too.

Clearly, I'm feeling blah today. And embarrassed because here I am pouring out my heart, for no good reason. I don't want pity or anything like that... that just makes a person feel even worse. What I want is to feel wanted. And I don't. Maybe it's because I'm feeling like this or maybe it's because it's been a long time since I've felt special in any way. Maybe I'm just human and have to get used to it. Maybe I really should just stop worrying and know that everything's going to work out the way it's supposed to. But what if "the way it's supposed to" just doesn't get any better than this?

Ok... time for me to deflate the balloons and get started with my day.