CHOP

I spent 7 of my 8 hour work day yesterday watching hash marks cruise across a screen. Needless to say, by the time I left I was thoroughly miserable. It took a while to shake off the feeling of boredom and the tunnel vision that I had somehow acquired. Driving home felt funny. But, I made it home and I got some stuff done. And then I went to visit the angel in the hospital.

Little guy slept straight through my visit, my brother's visit, talking, laughing and the loud bang of a "wet floor" sign falling flat onto the linoleum. I suppose the spinal tap took alot out of him. He was put under for it, which, I assume is what actually did him in. But, he slept... and I stared. Looking over my oldest brother at times, just so I could keep my eye on him.

This whole experience has been amazing. And eye opening. CHOP is amazing. The nurses and doctors. It's one of the best hospitals in the country and after experiencing all we've experienced there so far, I have to say that I can imagine that it really is. My brother spoke to a guy who's been there with his child for 11 months. They tried 3 hospitals in Florida first but he didn't feel the diagnosis was correct so he looked for the best hospital they could find. And up to Philly they came. CHOP discovered that he had a rare disease, not Chrone's. Only 50 children in the country have whatever it is. And CHOP found it, when three other hospitals couldn't. The facility itself is something to look at, huge. Just to get to my little champion's room, I have to take two elevators and two sets of stairs. At first, it was easy to get lost. Now that I've gotten a little more used to it, I can consider myself an almost professional. I don't know how I feel about that.

CHOP is amazing and wonderful and somewhere to thank God for. However... it's also a building of trauma and sadness and it's a reason that I have found myself questioning God because of. I do not expect to get an answer but I do wonder why. Why these kids even have to get sick or hurt? Surely, it's within His power to make sure nothing happens to babies. As it seems my nephew's next door neighbor may have passed away the other night. Leaving that night left me reduced to a sniveling mess because the little boy's screaming had stopped. It did not stop because the pain had stopped, exactly. His family and/or friends were going in and out of the room, the nurses were standing guard outside with their yellow smocks. Tears and pain and tension were everywhere on that floor. The room has been emptied and the bed stripped. Oh, God, a child died the other night. He's in Your arms now but the pain that must be left behind... it's almost too hard to bear. And he wasn't even my family. I don't even know his whole name. Dear God... why?

But, stuff does happen to babies and overall, it's easier to just be thankful for a facility like CHOP and to have it only minutes away is also something to be thankful for. Being thankful is easier than questioning because suffering is a mystery all it's own. There's no good explanation in this lifetime, it just is.