Sometimes you watch... and that's all you can do. Throw out some advice when it's asked of you. But, watching your former self in someone else can cut right to the bone. I've learned so much in the last few years. And I'm still learning each and every day. I had therapy yesterday and I got nearly nowhere with it. Sometimes it's like that though. Especially when I don't get enough sleep. I do, however, want to post something I found some time back. When I was dealing very deeply (and with a rawness that leaves me surprised that skin does grow back) with my own co-dependency issues. I still see them pop up once in a while but it used to be bad. Very, very bad. Part of it was just because it was part of who I was. Part of it was my disorder. And much of it was just sad. So... I re-read this every once in a while. Just to remind myself that all of these lessons are in me. And when the time comes, I just have to remember them and live them out.
Codependent Relationships Dynamics part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love
Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)
1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.
2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)
3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.
5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."
6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.
8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)
11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.
12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.
13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.
Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.
If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.
As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.
"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney
Briefly Noted Book Reviews
2 years ago
2 comments:
I like this so much, I think I will blog it as well. This explains much of how toxic my relationship used to be. I will try and follow these ideas from now on. Thank you.
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