Alive!

Biff called me at 12:15 last night to give me the news. Facebook comes through once again! Ok... this was the big one. This was a friend I'd had years ago whom I had to distance myself from. I loved her very much, which is why I had to distance myself. She was destroying herself and hurting me. Over the years I've thought and worried and resigned myself that she may no longer be with us. I hoped to at least see her again in the next life.

Our friendship piqued with one of the most defining moments of my life (though I did not know it when I was 18... I had no clue what the next 12 years held for me or the places that grief mixed with bipolar disorder can send you). A tragedy, a loss. Something I've put in my past now but something I'll never forget, nor do I truly want to. Somehow, I've wanted to honor his memory... forgetting about it wouldn't do that. His name is tattooed on my hip. I loved him like you love a brother. He died by his own hand.

She was his girlfriend and they loved each other much yet they were both self destructive. Both of them had known an incredible amount of pain in their young lives. She looks to have survived it. She was like a sister to me. Telling her I needed my distance was no easy task but I did it and was healthier for it. My ex's mother had banned her from the house and that was my last straw. I couldn't have her where I lived anymore and it was for good reason. She was an addict and she might steal something. She had already stolen from me. That rent money went somewhere. It didn't blow away in the wind.

Still - I love her. And I thought about her often - regularly. I'm not really one to hold grudges... though I do not forget how someone makes me feel. The way they make you feel is usually what determines if you want to be around them or not. Not saying there aren't people that I just simply dislike. I dislike a few. Strongly, some. But - not her. I never disliked her. She didn't make me feel bad... I always felt fine around her. Maybe a little younger (though in years I'm not but a few months younger) but that was only because she had her independence in high school... at a time when I had none. Both of us fell into two extremes... opposites in many ways but something underneath that clicked.

Maybe I'm making too much of this... but when defining moments come... as they did that November day, 12 years ago... everything around it that means much to you falls into a category that is unforgettable. The smells, the sounds, the phone calls that had to be made. The anger... the pain... the awful times that eventually blossom out a new person. Even if it takes forever.

I don't normally mention Him by name. But, on this one I thank God solely for bringing her back into my life - even if it's only to say hello quickly. And maybe now that time has healed alot of wounds we can make our friendship something new. Maybe... we'll see.